Body Bag

“Do you think you’ll be comfortable holding the dog while we euthanize him?”

This question snapped me out of my trance. I was staring at the Chihuahua right in front of me, but I could immediately tell something was wrong. 

Struggling to breathe, I could see the chihuahua taking extremely shallow breaths, his tiny body shifting up and down with every exhale. 

I could see the other volunteer struggling to formulate a sentence, as we had both been relatively new to this job. Can I really do this? Is this the right thing to do? This would be my first time being confronted with death, and despite him being an animal, I still was unsure of how I would feel, contributing to his final breath. As thousands of questions plagued my thoughts, I reluctantly raised my hand and offered to help. 

Without another word, a few of the staff members begin preparing for the procedure. Amid my daze, one of the assistants filled a large syringe with a clear pink solution and told me to prepare a trash bag. Why would we need a trash bag I wondered as I ran towards the back to retrieve one. When the doctor told me to cover the lower half of the dog with the bag, I was met with the reality of euthanization.

It was for his body. 

As I wrapped my arms around the tiny chihuahua, I could feel his heart racing irregularly, almost as if he knew what was going to happen. As the noise of the room faded into the background, I fixated on the beeping of the monitor and its melancholic rhythm. The syringe entered the catheter and I was transported into another realm, isolated with just me and the chihuahua. To somebody, he had been their pet, family and best friend. His gray eyes, once full of vitality, now stared blankly at me, a poignant reminder of the suffering that sometimes occurs in the lives of our beloved pets. His head went limp in my arms, and that was the signal for me to place his body in the bag. 

With the bag in my hands, I followed the assistant to the freezer, where I was confronted with the sobering sight of dozens more carcasses, each representing a cherished companion that had been put to a peaceful sleep.

Euthanasia is an occasional occurrence at the animal hospital, but I have never been able to become desensitized by it. In fact, through these experiences, I have reached a deeper realization that working as a vet isn’t restricted to merely enjoying the kisses of puppies or the gentle caresses of kittens. It also means dealing with death. Through this realization, my mindset towards this field of study has shifted from a naive and lighthearted one to something more sober.

While my time at the veterinary clinic has further fueled my desire to help animals, it also has affected my moral compass. At what point is it too much suffering? These questions loom over my thoughts affecting my philosophy of life and challenging me to reassess my values and beliefs.